Day Six Hundred & Thirteen

Day Six Hundred & Thirteen
Wednesday, February 8th 2012

The following quotes are excerpted from “A Path with Heart” by Jack Kornfield.
“While it can be good to give beyond our means, if this is done unconsciously & repeatedly, it will become unhealthy. Whether it is generosity with our time, our possessions, our money, or our love, the principles are the same. True generosity grows in us as our heart opens, grows along with the integrity & health of our inner life.”

“Many of us are so out of touch with ourselves that we can easily lose a sense of what is a skillful action in a situation. We can be so intent on caring for others or on pleasing them or pacifying them or avoiding conflict with them that we don't clearly face our own needs, our own situation.”

These are things I struggle with on a daily basis. Because of my fervor to include others in my life & my deep love of friendship & human connections, I sometimes find myself making undue sacrifices. Later, I become resentful, insecure, questioning myself & the other person, wondering why I don't matter or why I don't mean as much to others as they mean to me. I find myself overenthusiastic in writing letters, responding to emails immediately, answering the phone in the middle of cooking dinner (putting my meal on the back burner literally as well as figuratively). These things are done out of the inspiration I gain from communication, from connecting with others, from sharing a bond of humanity.

However, it behooves me now to act with a sense of independence, rather than seeking energy from others, to exhibit maturity rather than exuberance. Though I have always internally feared the reality that I might lose myself by not acting on my inspirations, particularly where others are concerned, I have come to find that if anything, withholding has awakened me more. (On repeat in my head is a quote from a dear friend “People don't value what they don't have to work for.”) I don't need to ask how high when I am asked to jump. More striking a revelation is that I don't even need to respond immediately or at all. I can ask myself “Do I want to?” & that is okay. It is truly like opening a window for the first time after the completion of a cold winter & taking a breath of fresh air.

“In the paradox of life sometimes our compassion requires us to say yes & sometimes it requires us to say no. These may seem like opposites but they are not. Each can express a respect for all beings, including ourselves.”

It strikes me as amusing in a more or less bittersweet manner that I really needed to read those words in order for me to realize that I can give myself permission to be silent in life. I have always been a highly reactive person. I take action rather than do nothing. Yet for the sake of tiptoeing around failing friendships, difficult situations, the potential that someone should confront me for a perceived wrongdoing or that I should be met with some arduous conflict where I may be forced into a position of having to defend myself to another person or group of people (& defending myself in this manner is something I simply will not do), in the past I have rather risked myself, my comfort, my body, my time, my love, my friendship, my goodwill. I have been taken advantage of, I've driven to friends' houses late nights, traveled between states at times inconvenient to me to provide comfort or council, I've collected hours & hours of “Are you okays?” instead of asking “Am I okay?” Funny, that I now realize I can say no, I can say nothing. I can excuse myself from a situation with myself in mind, rather than staying uncomfortable to avoid upsetting others. I can choose not to answer the phone. (In fact, I am contented to leave my phone on silent, plugged in at my computer desk. I check it whenever the muse descends).

“Try responding only when your heart is open & kind. When you don't feel this way, wait & let the difficult feelings pass.”

Perhaps one of the greater gemstones of advice from Jack Kornfield, this new spin on the old “Bite your tongue & count to ten” adage strikes me in a very deep way. If we can't respond with love in our hearts (even in the face of anger, anxiety, pain, stress, worry, or harm that we have been done by someone), we don't have to respond at all.